What is "being assertive?"

"Being assertive" means communicating what you really want in a clear manner, while at the same time respecting your own rights and feelings and the rights and feelings of others. Assertion is an appropriate and honest expression of your feelings, opinions, and needs.

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What causes people to avoid being assertive?

Most people avoid being assertive out of a fear of displeasing others and not being liked. Not being assertive allows us to avoid immediate unpleasantness in our relationships. However, this comes at the expense of the quality of the relationships. Others are not able to know what our true feelings are and we are taken advantage of over and over again. This oftentimes leads to us resenting other people we have relationships with and sometimes to avoiding the relationships altogether.

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What is the difference between being assertive and being aggressive?

Being aggressive means violating the interpersonal rights of other people. Aggressive behavior is typically demanding, blaming, hostile and punishing. It can involve threats, sarcasm, gossip, name-calling, and even physical contact.

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What are interpersonal rights?

We all have the right to...

• Say no to a request.
• Not give other people reasons for every action we take.
• Stop others from making excessive demands on us.
• Ask other people to listen to our point of view when we speak to them.
• Ask other people to correct errors they made that affect us.
• Change our mind.
• Ask other people to compromise rather than get only what they want.
• Ask other people to to do things for us.
• Persist in making a request if people do not respond the first time.
• Be alone if we wish.
• Maintain our dignity in relationships.
• Evaluate our own behaviors and not just listen to evaluations of others.
• Make mistakes and accept responsibility for them.
• Avoid manipulation by other people.
• Choose our own friends without consulting our parents, peers or anyone else.
• Let other people know how we are feeling.

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How assertive are you?
 
Ask yourself the following questions:

• Do you express your feelings/preferences clearly to others? 
• Do you ask for help if you need it?
• Do you express anger and annoyance appropriately? 
• Do you ask questions when you are confused?
• Do you volunteer your opinions when you think or feel differently from others? 
• Do you speak up in class when appropriate?
• Are you able to say no when you do not want to do something?
• Do you speak with a generally confident manner, communicating caring and strength? 
• Do you look at people when you are talking to them?

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How can you be more assertive?

How to begin:

• Develop a value and belief system that allows you to assert yourself.  This is the most difficult aspect of being assertive. It means giving yourself permission to be angry, to say no, to ask for help, and to make mistakes.  When you are assertive, choose the proper time and place.  Try to avoid confronting someone in front of others.
• Becoming assertive takes time, effort, and practice.  You can practice assertiveness by choosing a situation that is important to you.  Then observe how others act in similar situations.  Plan what you will say and do.  Rehearse your plan in front of a mirror or with a tape recorder.  Then try your plan.  Examine the outcomes and continue to try.  Assertiveness is a skill that you will get better at over time.

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